i just got reblogged by the official parks & recreation tumblr! how cool is that. thanks!

thank you for 500 followers! i love you all equally, no matter what your mother says.

post your first selfie, lose a follower. tumblr.

declining invitations to band gigs on fb whose members used to be assholes to me in high school is literally one of the best things i have going on right now. good luck making it with one less person at your show, asshole. mwahah

so i got a call from a number i didnt know today and i answered and this girl was all “heyyyyy!” and i had no fucking clue who it was so i asked who it was and she goes “david?”, which is my name so i’m like “shit i still have no idea who this is”. so i ask her her name and she’s like “it’s emily!” and i’m like “who the f is emily” - one awkward minute later i find out that it’s a wrong number but the guy she was trying to reach has the same name as me. but i’m still cringing about the whole event and the awkward silences i knew there was a reason i didnt answer calls, just text me it’s 2013

retirements are just one of the most socially awkward events- what do you say? my co-worker retired the other day and i went with, “enjoy your time off”, but like, enjoy your time off before what? your death?